da lvbet： Modern football is rubbish, you might say. Take me back to the days when men were men and shorts were short, you might say. Back then when goals were scored, pitches were a hindrance and not a help, and “defending” meant a burly lump of meat kicking seven shades out of some poor defenceless munchkin on the wing.
da fazobetai： Back in the 1970s, scorelines of 4-3 weren’t uncommon, whereas nowadays, games like Everton v Stoke are very much the outliers in a world where you can win the title by consistently defending well.
Except, even with all their direct attacking threat, Everton would still have been rubbish back in the 1970s. Not even in that era would Everton have been at home. You have to go further back than that.
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In the early 1960s, a last-resort treatment for severe epilepsy was to simply sever the brain in two. The surgery was successful in reducing the severity of seizures, but it essentially meant that the patient had two brains, and they would be in conflict with each other.
When trying to dress himself, one patient found that one hand would close the buttons on his shirt whilst the other hand would undo them again, and he was left unable to dress himself.
What better analogy for the frustrations of Roberto Martinez than that? Everton’s attacking prowess is immense. Their attackers are some of the most powerful and deadly in the league, but their good work is routinely undone by a seemingly brain-dead defence.
Back in the days of tight polyester shirts, big permed hair and luscious tashes, football was in its heyday. Attack is the best form of defence, they said.
The problem is, when you concede four times, it becomes so much harder to outscore the other team. That’s something Jose Mourinho learned years ago – unfortunately he was off sick the day they would have taught him how to keep the players on side.
Maybe Roberto Martinez was off on the day they taught defending. His Wigan side were let down – and sent down – because of their defensive record, and Everton have hardly been solid since his arrival.
In fact, last season they were so bad at the back that his back four looked more like an attempt at practical comedy than a working defence. A hommage to the slapstick stylings of Laurel and Hardy more than a solid base to build his side upon.
This season it hasn’t been all that much better. No side above them has conceded more, and so they’re left relying on their formidable attacking talent to bail them out – but as we’ve established, the fewer you concede the easier the job is for the attackers.
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So when Romelu Lukaku told the post-match interview that they’d conceded goals too easily and made life more difficult for themselves, he seemed to be lamenting the very same thing.
After all, Lukaku is the Premier League’s top scorer (yes, he’s level with Jamie Vardy on 15 after yesterday’s brace) and Ross Barkley and Arouna Kone are also high up on the scoring charts. Everton have scored more goals this season than anyone other than Manchester City and Leicester. And yet they sit in the bottom half.
No one could accuse City or Leicester of being solid at the back either. They’ve simply been good enough to make sure their strikers didn’t have too much to do. Everton may as well do away with their defence and throw a few more attackers onto the pitch for all the good it’s doing them.
If they had a defence, they’d be dangerous. And in this barmy season of inconsistency and Leicester City at the top of the league, who knows where Everton could have found themselves.
Instead, as the Roberto Martinez attack tries to climb up the league table, his defence tries to climb back down, leaving him utterly frustrated. Everton is turning into One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and the January window might just be the perfect time to put them out of their misery.
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